I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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