Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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