He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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