okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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