You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
