yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
