can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
