i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize