his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
