It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
