We won't sleep together?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
