seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
