who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
