I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Terrible idea I love it
Who died my cat blue again?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
