Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
