please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
