Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
