dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
