you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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