We're like a lot better than the average bears
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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