She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
