i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
