I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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