Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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