I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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