Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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