would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
