do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't put those talents on a resume
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
