did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
God gave him joint rollers for hands
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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