Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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