I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
