did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize