i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
