A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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