A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
