So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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