I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
