if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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