i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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