The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
