I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize