You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
