she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
