ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize