Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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