I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
