i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
