wrigley field is MILF paradise
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
