My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
