Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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