Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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