Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
how drunk are you?
Several
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
