Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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