well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
