5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
