so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dear god my vagina.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
