Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
