My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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